Action, Traction, Satisfaction

I fly tomorrow afternoon. My focus in the last week or two turned towards execution. It was really worthwhile spending all that time earlier thinking and sorting out my thoughts. I did not at any point in the last 2 weeks feel like there was something I have not reconciled; anyone I have not said a proper goodbye to or told what they meant to me or promised to stay in touch with. I did not have any paperwork I had not planned for or even any last minute shopping I haven't done. I even told my bosses what I thought of them (in a nice way of course). I could really just focus on execution. 


I handed over at work. Then came the farewell lunches, farewell chats, my last day at work. Last pub lunch at Davy's with the team. My farewell gift presentation.


I packed up my stuff at work, packed up my home (over a 20 hour non-stop marathon session. Moved out, organised waste disposals; redirected mail; paid up last bills; goodbye to the neighbours; organised charitable donations of my belongings; got the cleaners in; organised last drinks with friends. 


The emotions were all bearable as I have already felt them and dealt with them about 2 weeks prior, if not earlier. 


Some statistics:


Farewell do's = 9
Farewell gifts = 3
Speeches given/ heard = 4
Public display of waterworks = 1
People invited to farewell parties = 32
Bottles of wine consumed = 16
Cocktails and whiskeys: 18
Bottles of beer consumed: 34
Pictures taken: countless
Trips on foot to Oxfam, Cancer Research UK charity shops = 6
Bin bags of rubbish brought by hand to the bin store: 35
Bin dives = 1
Boxes shipped: 59
Mail rediections: 18
Accounts closed: 7
External hard disks purchased = 3
External hard disk returned = 1
New friend made = 1
Trips to Peter Jones = 4
Trips to John Lewis = about 20
Emotional ice-creams eaten = 8


Best memory = surprise dinner AND farewell gift AND farewell presentation organized by my best friend at work
Most unexpected friends made = 2
Most important realisation = how people actually DO like me very much
Most important realisation 2 = emotions and instinct can be two different things
Most important realisation 3 = God speaks volumes over the pulpit
Most important realisation 4 = it was not easy to change jobs and move countries all at once by myself but equally, being vulnerable gave me a chance to realize how gracious people can be, e.g. my landlord and my cleaner. 
Most important realisation 5 = it can only get better!
Most touching effort = friend driving 1.5 hours to deliver a gift.
Most generous gift = farewell party paid for by the boss.
Most important realisation 6 = God is generally specific and specifically general
Most important realisation 7 = This will always be my home. 




I am ready to go. 

Morose

Some people noticed that I have been in a particularly morose mood in the last couple of months. I think in times of stress, I become particularly introspective. I had a lot of thoughts to sort through, not to mention having to come to terms with my feelings regarding the work situation and the move. Which is why keeping a blog is handy as is going to church. One helps me commmunicate my thoughts, another helps me sort them out.


I can literally sit by myself all day and just think if I weren't careful. Luckily, I found distraction in furnishing my new Singapore flat - where ever it may be....and in accumulating kitchenalia; and in cooking; taking photos; running in greenwich park and in doing yoga. 


Only a couple of people were really able to push through my mental fog over the last couple of months. One is a colleague who is going through exactly the same thing at work. I think through our chats, usually over yahoo or lunch at an old man's pub, we were able to scrape each other off the floor and dust down. Now we both are starting to feel unbeaten, undefeated and ready to take on the next thing. I managed to invite the colleague to church so we'll see where that goes. This is my best friend at work, having worked closely with each other for seven years - half our working careers. We will be like separated twins when I leave but we have agreed to keep in touch. Maybe someday we will work together again.


A couple of other people made it their job to check that I am doing ok. Calling regularly and being available for me to ask advice on various aspects of the move whether regarding accommodation in SG, my crazy kitchenalia accumulation, even how to back up my Macbook.


There were a couple of surprises as well. Like a trader suddenly sending yahoos out of the blue to give unsolicited advice on the property market in Singapore - buy in the $1m to $2m range he says. Yeah.....There were various other random acts of kindness and attention. Even from near strangers - like my landlord who came and fixed my curtain hooks, fixed the washing machine and mopped my kitchen floor even though I was moving out. My family is sterling as usual. And then there are the enthusiastically pre-emptive invites to dinners in SG. Oh yes, I even had one out-of-the-blue offer of significant financial help.   


I examined my feelings and I think this feels like I am breaking up with someone I love, not just moving a location. The poetic, melodramatic part of me mourns the passing of a eight year love story, not just with the city, but with my job, my friends and my home. I am not sure where this kind of thing stands on a global scale of stress, but at a stressful time at least for me, thanks to you, I don't feel at all lonely. 

VIP treatment

Farewell parties were held over the last 2 weeks. On 19th May, I put my card behind the bar at Henry Addingtons for 15 of my colleagues. An old man's pub - spit and sawdust as they say. It was an intimate affair, everyone there know each other well. There were more than enough budvars and Chilean Sendara Sauvignon Blanc to go round. I had fun playing the social butterfly and talking to everyone at the party. We all drank loads and went home at about 11pm. Best of all, the boss went and exchanged my credit card for his. 


I was told by Phil to keep 23rd May free in the evening. The event itself was kept secret from me till Paddy accidentally blabbed on the Friday before that we were going to have dinner. I still didn't know who were going or where till Monday itself. Phil invited the longest serving members of the team to dinner - Eugenio, Rich, Nick and Paddy. We had a very nice dinner at Plateau, everyone paying their own way. The conversation were mostly nostalgic, harking back to the stories of way back when, the newest member of this bunch joined in 2005, so we have known each other for 6 years, most of us still in the same team except for Nick. The guys were extremely sweet and I felt like a VIP. Plateau is one of my favourite restaurants, Phil remembered that. We had whiskey after dinner, there were no speeches, I did not want a speech. I will miss the guys. It wasn't always easy being the only female in a team of men for almost 4 years before Masiel joined. These guys treated me like one of them and when I was promoted, treated me like the boss.  


On 27th May, Paddy bought me lunch - just me and him at Jamie's Kitchen. I tried Pasta Puttanesca so I know what Jamie Oliver thought was the right level of pungent. The in the evening, it was farewell dinner with the gals at the Artisan at Westbury hotel. I organised it and found this place as a deal on Toptable. It was very posh, with art deco furnishings - like Plateau, hmmm, there is a theme... - and amuse bouche after every course. The food was amazing but the company was better. Evangeline, Karen, Alison and Sara. Everyone but Sara has now booked time to come visit in Singapore. Alison in Nov, Karen over Christmas and Evangeline over Chinese New Year. It makes me feel good that I will be seeing them soon again after landing in Singapore. I hope I will have no time to miss London. 


Evangeline was very sweet in insisting she help me paint the town red over the long weekend. So on 29th May, the two of us dressed up for dinner at L'Atelier de Joel Robuchon. He of two michelin stars. Dinner cost an arm and a leg, especially since Evangeline made sure we sauced it up with pre and post dinner lychee cocktails and cosmopolitans. We also had both white and red wine to match our courses of tapas - O'Rosal Rais Baxias with Grilled razor clams with shallot butter, Le Oeuf and Langostine Ravioli; and Cote De Ventoux with duck confit, stuffed guinea fowl and pig trotter on parmesean toast. Riesling with Yuzu Souffle and Gurwuztramminer with Mandarin Sorbet. I must have spouted a lot of rubbish as I can't remember what we were talking about from the fourth course onwards. It was a great night and the sophisticated restaurant setting gave the farewell meal every feeling of being in the capital city of the world.


And here I am, all stuffed and alcohol preserved with much kind regards. I didn't shed a single tear which is excellent. Think I am feeling a bit numb to it now. I have said goodbye to my closest and dearest people, places and things. 

Noah's Ark

In the light of the coming flood (read 'move'), I have decided to call home furnishings, kitchenware and summer clothing to the ark to keep them safe.


Dining sets enough for a party of 20, chest of drawers, art, COOKBOOKS...alot of cookbooks. They have been saved and are now in the ark, awaiting journey to Singapore....and there are more animals coming.

Let the Road Teach You

³"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

 ⁴"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

 ⁵"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

 ⁶"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

 ⁷"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

 ⁸"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

 ⁹"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

Matt 5 (MSG)

The Snail

I can't recall the whole article but I read a very interesting piece once on how people relate to their homes. 


Some people, for example see their home as their lounge, it is where they entertain, the base from which they extend their social network. These people tend to have immaculate, flashy homes from which to impress. People are always invited round. 


There are those who see their homes as tents. Always seeing it as just one of many future dwellings. How they decorate is unsentimental. Everything can be chucked without much care in that event that a quick getaway or a big career move is required. 


Then there are those who have their homes as the office. It is an extension of their operative selves. Neat, functional, efficient, fully equipped. Home exists to make life easy.


Some people see home more traditionally, a retreat to which the family gathers. Memories and mementos litter the place. It is cosy, every bit of furnishing provides comfort.


Yet another group sees their home as their bunker. Where they escape to, only the most trusted are allowed to enter and it's secrets they must keep. The doors are always shut, privacy is very important. No prying eyes. 


I am in the last two groups. I am a snail. I exist within a shell of my home, I will feel extremely naked without it. 


Nothing in my home is overly expensive, my home itself is humble. It is full of things that I and perhaps only I appreciate (a deep kitchen sink and a window in the bathroom). It is testament to God's faithfulness to me that this place was found without any effort, right on time when I needed it and every bit of it, including the cost of it suited me and just me perfectly. I have perhaps the best flat, ie has the best view, in an ex-council (very low class) building in what is perhaps the most prestigious private estate in Southeast London. The best bit is the heating is free, automatically turned on too high and virtually impossible for me to adjust down. I lived in sub-tropical temperature through the cold weather guilt-free. There is even carpet in the bathroom so I won't be cold ever. The hot water shower is amazing for a non-power basic bathroom. I love the plain white square tiles in the bathroom. Every wall and cabinet is in white, every room has a large window with a fantastic view of greenery. Yet, no neighbours can look into my flat. Even the really old fixtures in the flat - like the 70s window shutters and old-fashioned glass-panelled doors were like major architectural features for me, even if they were junk to everyone else. Foxes in the garden for interest. Birds wake me naturally in the morning. I smell wood and flowers as I walk into the compound, sometimes the lavendar is in bloom and I smell those. Other times it's tulips or roses. As I walk home from the station, I walk on a street full of beautiful wisteria covered mansion houses, the moon shining brightly through the trees usually.


I will really miss my home.

Contrasting Clarity

Clarity

Was I thinking so loudly?

A heart absorbs the absurd

on a regular basis.

Primordial fears and poisoned

skies are

stage smoke;

but fragrant whispers from

your skin are 

open windows

on relief.

And I see,

and I laugh:

I 

know

nothing.

- Anna Piutti.

Clarity

my will or thy will

it brings me to that always

my ego or thy ego

letting go or letting be

how do I choose the wise path

this eternal conflict bates me

clarity comes like dawn

slowly it rises

above all the emotion

patience

-raskin

It comes to this. Clarity, denial and blindness come together, usual bed-fellows comfortably familiar. In the deepest shroud, there is awareness. In the lightest being there is fog. Ambition he led me, he owned me, giving me vision heated, sharp, all-consuming, i measure up measure UP; yet I knew nothing. Now I can see clearly, clearly alone, incorrigible, perhaps just on my own. 

- babble; berkeley

Do Not Delay; Opportunity Knocks Once

I went to sleep, but my heart stayed awake. [I dreamed that I heard] the voice of my beloved as he knocked [at the door of my mother's cottage]. Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my spotless one [he said], for I am wet with the [heavy] night dew; my hair is covered with it. 


But weary from a day in the vineyards, I had already sought my rest, I had put off my garment--how could I [again] put it on? I had washed my feet--how could I [again] soil them?


My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my heart was moved for him. I rose up to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, and my fingers with liquid [sweet-scented] myrrh, [which he had left] upon the handles of the bolt.


I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had turned away and withdrawn himself, and was gone! My soul went forth [to him] when he spoke, but it failed me [and now he was gone]! I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer.

Woman Lioness

Went shopping at Covent Garden today for something to wear to my own farewell do at work. Now that I am no longer in leadership, somehow I found myself choosing different clothes. I went for red dresses, feminine scarves and ornate accessories. I surprised myself in my choices and in realising how much I have tried to dress like a man in the past 2 years. I wore pin striped trouser suits with manly belts and minimal accessories. I grew out the highlights in my hair, cut it shorter and learnt to do the 'barely-there' make up. FBI agent de-riguer. That was the reality of being one of 2 women in a leadership team full of white middle-age, not to mention strong-minded American men. Haydee and I both started to dress like men.


I had gotten the idea in my mind that I needed people to see past my femininity. A soft feminine voice was a problem, as is too much emotion. Sentimentality is an issue. Too often, I was given the impression that emotion is a bad thing at work. Calm objectivity is preferred, as is loud, gung-ho, back-slapping confidence. 


The Color Conference started to change my mind. Strong sentimentality and the ability to empathize is a gift. I find it easy to see things from someone else's point of view. I cry so often that it is embarassing at my age. But Jesus wept too....even when he knew he could raise Lazarus, he wept because he felt what Martha felt. Compassion is a gift. 


I want to be a woman at work. Women know how to add the human aspect to life. Perhaps in an age where working for a large corporate means endless de-humanising cost cuts and efficiency drives, endless ass-covering in an era of constant litigation, a little more caring in the workplace could go a long way. I don't know, maybe I will start dressing like a man again. But I sure as hell hope not.

Flourish

Flourish: Grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way, esp. as the result of a particularly favorable environment.


And this is the commandment....most importantly, the key thing, the one to prioritise, the focus...is TO FLOURISH. Isaiah 54: 1-3.

Beautiful Things: http://youtu.be/OR7VOKQ0xJY

My Friends the DDS (Decadent Dining Society)

I am sitting in my king-size bed as I write this, ala Carrie Bradshaw and what I want to do, like Carrie, is write about my girlfriends with their tremendously grown up lives. I love this group of women whom I meet almost weekly for nice long boozy lunches, or intimate dinners, usually somewhere in town, often chic and most of us dressed up (except me, I tend to turn up in grunge). 


A typical night is tonight. Karen - the Rock of the group and the only person who can get me to turn up anywhere on time - found a deal on the internet (as is typical of Karen and Sara who are the finders of good deals)for a 3-course meal + champers at Hommage Grand Salon in The Waldorf Hilton Hotel Aldwych and signed us up for it. Karen organised it, organising everyone's payments, train schedules, everything! 


We met punctually at 7pm. All of us, in the lobby, greeting each other with kisses (two). In the swanky ballroom, we drank and ate. Boss (Sylvia, the only actress I know who is never without make up, never without her nails and hair done and never without a man in courting, is Boss of the group as she is the judge of all things regarding decorum, culture, taste and etiquette) and myself watching how many glasses we have as we are the lightweights in the group. Wine is a necessity at our gatherings and we have been known to have half a bottle each + various cocktails and champagne (if they come with the meal, what can we do?). Whilst Karen is the Sommelier (see the theme here), Sara is always up for a Stellenbosch. Alison and I will drink anything and Boss is a Rose woman. 




The conversation is always brilliant. Today we talked about anything ranging from teenage pregnancy, SO-19 visits to the violent boyfriends, TV - (I should watch The Killers apparently), the latest men in my friends lives and even waxing. Today, we could not get away from laughing at vajazzles and The Only Way is Essex. I like that it is no holds barred and we don't mind being the loudest in the restaurant and looking like we are the only ones having any fun. We are all different personalities so conversations are always interesting with a myriad of different views. 




Karen is the Best Friend anyone can have. She is loyal to your interests, stands up for her friends. She is sensitive to everyone's needs and pays attention always. She makes scrap books of things to send away to her parents in NZ so they know what she's been up to, she remembers everything. She has done alot in her life, travelled loads and learnt how to be content in her own self. I learnt from her that it is important to treasure everything and everyone in your life. 




Alison is the wisdom of the group. She is the oldest after Boss and has lived about 4 lives in different countries. She is able to see things from every point of view and yet put forth her own strongly and without imposition. She is a good person for sound and practical advice and yet is the cheekiest in the group. Alison once got all of us to put our faces in our pavlovas - voluntarily, for fun. She showed me how to be successful and yet not be stressed out or hung up. Set a goal, go for it, in the meantime, remember to have a laugh and take care of yourself. Don't spend unnecessarily, save for the really important things in life - like travel, freedom and a nice flat. Always remember that life is too short, keep moving but take a break as and when you feel like it. Achieve sufficiently in your career so that you can afford the as-you-like-it breaks. Plan your retirement now. Don't do anything you don't want to do, don't settle for being bored.




Sara is the child of the group being the youngest (she is 5 years younger than me I think). She is the only one in a long term relationship the whole time we knew each other and yet always put priority on her friends. She is the most energetic person I know. Fix a car, run 10 miles, organise a work event for 50 people and take the cats to the vet all in one normal work day - no problem. She probably does what I do in a year in 3 months. She runs triathlons then signs up for 'sports massages' by her very cute physio-therapist. She is the life of the party and is getting married this year. Like Karen, she is OCD about her organisation and has planned her wedding right down the the last detail a full 6 months before the date. This is inclusive of intensive global track downs of the best price for THE wedding dress and the paper on which the invitations should be printed. She is out doing something all the time. I learnt from Sara that you can always do more, always squeeze more in. You'll find the energy when you start doing it. Momentum attracts.




As mentioned above, Boss is Boss of the group. She has acted in Doctor Who (2009 Christmas episode). She is most likely to come up with the controversial comments in the group that makes everyone gasp and laugh. She only sees younger (much younger) men. She has a whole other life as a teacher and mother - a side of her we'll perhaps never get to see. We see the glamour puss and the man eater. The sharp, smart femme fatale. 'Petal, remember that men get turn on by anything'. She reminds me that being a woman is power and I should get a hair cut every two weeks, highlights once a month and nails every week. Who says you can't be sexy at 60 (I guess, I can only guess, that is her age).


Evangeline, the new member of the group is the fellow Singaporean, although having come straight to the UK after uni she is never going to know what Singapore is like for an adult. Yet we share a bond based on the fact that we both have the same inner conflict of juggling between our happiness and our responsibilities. We both are idealistic cynics. I learnt from her that it is okay to spare a thought for myself, sometimes, something has to give. I also learnt that I should have perhaps tried to call my mom more often - she does so everyday, I do so about once a month. She showed how to be the pragmatic Singaporean and be a very witty and engaging Londoner. She has been on every internet dating website (per Boss), she teaches me that love is worth looking for. The most subservient conversation in DDS is invariably and interplay between Boss and Evangeline about men and internet dating. 


So we wined and we dined our way through the city. Keeping each other's hopes high, showing other women how it is done. I will miss my friends terribly but somehow, since we are global citizens, I know we will always be in each others' lives.

Easter Break

I pressed the pause button and took time out from thinking about changing jobs and moving countries. 


Started Good Friday morning with a huge spring clean. I gave away 4 bags of books, bags, vases, lamps and threw out 2 bags of very old clothes. I found time in between to use my new egg pan, making a perfect fried egg, grilled mini portobello mushroom, grilled tomato, seasoned with basil for lunch. 


In the evening, I went out with Karen to Barrafina for tapas. We had a nice time sitting at a table outside in the 25 deg sunshine, catching up over a bottle of Basa Rueda Blanco. Karen talked about her forays into gardening and her work. We tried to guess the relationships of the guys sitting next to us (3 men and 2 very pretty little girls) since we were in Soho. One of the guys is clearer the Dad. After dinner, we watched Flare Path - a play with Sienna Miller in it at the Royal Haymarket. From the back of the nose bleed section! It was so empty there that despite being dressed up, we found enough privacy to stretch out, take off our shoes and put our feet up. Had to squint but I could tell Sienna was struggling a bit, I think. The other female actress was good though.


On Saturday, I went to Maidstone Kent for a walkabout. Then went to TK Maxx to look up possible deals for kitchen ware. Gave up in the end and went grocery shopping at Lewisham market instead. I bough some veg (the pound per bowl types) to split with Karen and then went to Karen's place to cook a stir-fry dinner. We watched Kick-Ass on DVD, it was hilarious. 


On Sunday, I took things to the Cancer Research shop in the village. The farmer's market was open today, although it is Easter, albeit it was a smaller market then usual. I bought half priced organic fresh salad, 4 organic chicken thighs and a loaf of bread. Thinking I will cook dinner for Eugene. Turned out he was too busy to come to Blackheath, so I met him in Soho after my 3.30pm church service instead. Hillsong rolled out the big guns for the easter service. I was very impressed, I think the West End should send some people to Hillsong to get some fresh ideas on how to put on a show. 


And Monday was the best day. I was tired from all the activity and decided to do nothing today. I just spent the day at a slow pace. Put some things - my heaters (i have 4!!, how does one person have 4 portable heaters?) and my elliptical trainer - on ebay. (Ebaying as a seller for the first time!). It took a while to work out how Ebay and paypal works though. I distracted myself from the drone of signing up on Ebay by making a classic tortilla and Nigella's Chicken with 40 Cloves of Garlic. The tortilla was dry, I overcooked it as I was worried about flipping it over too early and having it collapse on me. The chicken was good though, i improvised and added lemon which I think on hindsight that the dish did not need. The juice was fantastic with the artisan bread. I had a very nice day by myself watching Come Dine with Me, while working out how to Ebay, reading my cookbooks and cooking. The sun set late today, it was bright till past 8pm. I grabbed the opportunity to squeeze in a 40min run around the heath at 7pm. Came back just in time to eat dinner and then watch the MasterChef 2011 final. John Torode and Greg Wallace brought the 3 finalists to Australia, where they have to cook with Aussie ingredients - Barramundi fish, Aussie crayfish, crocodile and kangaroo meat. Note to self - do not try to make ice-cream on the day of the dinner party, always make it before. The breakdown of an ice-cream machine 1 hr before the party is not possible to salvage.


This will be one of the last quiet weekends before the big move and I really appreciated the pause. 

A successful start

Now Joseph had been taken down to Egypt. And Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh, captain of the guard, an Egyptian, bought him from the Ishmaelites who had taken him down there. ² The LORD was with Joseph, and he was a successful man; and he was in the house of his master the Egyptian. ³ And his master saw that the LORD was with him and that the LORD made all he did to prosper in his hand. ⁴ So Joseph found favor in his sight, and served him. Then he made him overseer of his house, and all that he had he put under his authority. ⁵ So it was, from the time that he had made him overseer of his house and all that he had, that the LORD blessed the Egyptian’s house for Joseph’s sake; and the blessing of the LORD was on all that he had in the house and in the field. ⁶ Thus he left all that he had in Joseph’s hand, and he did not know what he had except for the bread which he ate.

CG KitchenAid

Helped out at Ms M's dinner party yesterday. The most sedate Hen night I've ever seen. A bookbinding workshop from 4pm to 6.30pm, followed by dinner at 7pm, with a quiz (a quiz?) between main course and dessert. The most laughter from the evening was drawn from the subversive messages written with sugar alphabet sprinkles on the pudding.


Menu for the night:


Alphabetti Spaghetti on Stilton Cheese-Filled Pastry Cups with Homemade Garlicky Tomato Sauce


Vietnamese Rice Paper Roll with Sweet Chilli Dip


Filo-wrapped Asparagus with Hollandaise Sauce


Squid Ink Goats Cheese Ravioli with Sauteed Courgette Quills Served with Cream and Truffle Salt.


Quiz???!!!


Puff pastry books with lemon cream, laced with Passion Fruit and Subversive Messages - 'Never Obey', 'Yes, Why Not?', 'Hag'


The cooks had fun at least.

AAF

I have gotten over museums now. Don't even know how to spell the word properly. Having been inducted into the Affordable Art Fair two years ago, I am now a big fan of the art of my class. There is something about walking through 200 art galleries in one afternoon that really builds a passion. And this is 'relatable' art. I know which pieces I liked better than the rest and why and how they are different. AAF should stand for Relaxed, Unstuffy, Inviting. I love.

Potential

I wrote the following on 19th Aug 09:


" i have been having a recurring nightmare. jack nicolson playing his character in the film "as good as it gets" saying to me - what if this is as good as it gets?

i've always been drawn to biting off more than i can chew, in the hope that in that process, i personally grow larger (not physically larger of course!) to accomodate that new goal. mostly, i have done this at work, at the expense of other things, i admit. but life is life and so far i have not thought that it was anything other than, well, as good as it can get. more importantly, i had the belief which i took for granted that the best is yet to come.

i can't help feeling lately, what if the best is already past? how do i make it better? Am i meant to do more, be more, achieve more? can i? if i do, does it make life better?

perhaps this is the kind of mid-life crisis that only single people get? do married people feel more fulfilled? do parents feel more fulfilled? what about other people whose whole life are absorbed by a larger desire, like aung sun su kyi? does she feel fulfilled? 

how do we know that we've done our best to achieve our potential?"


What response have I got now, two very tough years on: 16th April 2011 - don't be a pillar of salt, keep expanding!

Why I am Leaving

It's not you, it's me.

Desired things, Miracles, Blessings

Desiderata:

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.


As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals;

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Author: Max Ehrmann, 1927




And this is me....Replace the word 'universe' with something like god or god's plans and pretty much then that describes how i relate to it but it would be different for others naturally. 

Though I like the God version better as it means there is the possibility that something that is beyond the human capability can happen. Nothing is fully within our control, nothing human guarantees to put us in the right place at the right time, favor with people is a fickle thing. If there are no miracles to expect, how would God qualify himself so? Anyways, still intending to maintain my reputation for sanity and logic, i have to say though that my family and I have experienced many miracles in the last few years, especially in the last year - feeding on his faithfulness. Even now when it seems that one door has firmly shut, the ceasing of manna from heaven is only so because it's time to enter the Promised Land.